mizztwizzler

So last night's chain of events went kind of as expected except that I actually convinced a boy to come play cards with us! I did! I went over and had a real conversation, and apparently I didn't sound like a complete moron!...and then he and his friend came to Stephany's and we all hung out until like 4:30! ...that's the first time that's ever happened to me, picking up a boy at the bar anyways. I mean we didn't "do" anything...but I don't really do stuff like that when I'm first getting to know somebody anyways. Whose to say he was even interested, but we did all jump in the hot tub, and that was pretty much awesome. Apparently I owe Stephany big time now though. Ooo...wonder what that means!?

I just made the most American quesadilla ever. It had American chEese and turkey bacon on a white tortilla. But it was hella good. Now I'm. Waiting for Stephany to get off work so we can do the Saturday night usual. Bar. Cards. Hot tub. And super snuggle. At least that's the order of events I'm rooting for! I hope you're all having a wonderful night. School starts in two days. Ugh!

I don't like you...but not enough to wish you were dead. Just enough to wish you'd have a really bad cough; one that caused you to pee yourself everytime you did. Or maybe a headache that hurt more everytime you opened your mouth so small activities like chewing and talking become next to impossible.

The lightning and thunder is coming through the windows and shaking the house. It's scary. I just hope it clears up before I have to go to work!

Just Let Go

What do you hold onto when you're past the end of the rope?
Is it the air, is it pride, is it denial, is it hope?
Why not just let go of the pointless and enjoy the ride down
It might feel as if you'll die, but if you can swim you won't drown.
A change of scenery may be unpleasant, but how do you feel right now?
Your pool of tears, this absence of happiness, has created a path out.
So just take it, this blessing that's disguised as sudden death.
When you hit bottom, there will be a splash, just be sure to hold your breath.
You'll float back to the top, there's no doubt, it's sure science.
You can check back in with yourself when you climb out, and create a fresh alliance.
One where the team is all on your side with no doubt you'll be okay.
And when the team is all on your side, there's no fear to shout, "Let's Play!"
Let go of what you're holding on to, it's time to seize the day.

Thursday we went to Downtown Disney. I went to the T-Rex store, and it was pretty much awesome. I got my photo taken with a baby T-rex, and took pictures of the big one. He was too tall to take a picture with both of us in it. I have to wait til my mom gets her photos developed to post those pics though. Then we were all inspired to make Build-A-Dinosaurs, just like Build-a-bears, but oh so much cuter. I made a Brachiosaurus, named him Brayden. He has a heart inside of him filled with my magic. :) My mom made a triceratops and I think Tracy's was an Argentosaurus also known as a "Stretchy Pants Dino" just like its creator. Tracy also fished out an oyster and made her very own pearl necklace. It was very pretty and lusterous. I found a few souvenirs for people. I went on a mad hunt for a Alice in Wonderland coffee mug, but the two I saw I didn't love, so I decided against spending the money for them. We went through Lego Land and took pictures of all the Lego creations. They had a few new ones this year, but they had taken down our favorite, the man on the bench. We all wanted to make out with him, but no luck for us. As I've said before, Pimpin' apparently just ain't that easy. They did have a Lego Transformer that was new, and I think that the family with the dogs was new. I'm not positive about that. And we discovered that inside of the huge Disney store there is a Bibbity Bobbity Boutique where your favorite "little princess" can get a super expensive princess make-over. They were coming out of the woodworks with glass slippers and covered in glitter and make-up. It was insane and slightly disheartening. Then they'd go and have a photo shoot as their favorite princess. I'm sure it was probably much more exciting to a 7 year old girl that it seemed to a slightly-cynical me.

Well, it was a long drive that started at 3am this morning, but we rolled into Jacksonville around 1 o'clock. Overall, I'd say it was a good and relaxing vacation minus a day or two. Yesterday we decided to try and get our swim on as much as possible and in defiance of the weather. We went around 10am and stayed til 12, then we trekked to pool 12 only to find that our beloved Buger "Wash" wasn't happening there, AND it cost money, so I called my mom and convinced her to come pick us up and then we all went to Ponderosa. Then we went into the attached gift shop and looked around a little. We bought matching shell bracelets. Awww.. We got back to the villa and I took a HARD nap. I swear, carbohydrates really drain me of my energy. Then we went back to the pool in the rain for about thirty minutes before the storms started rolling in really loudly. Nobody wants to get hit by lightning in a pool, even in the name of vacation. So back at the Villa everybody showered and was relaxing. I was feeling very anxious and restless, so I walked down to the fitness center and pulled out a measly 20 minute workout. My lungs have been hurting pretty badly for the past few days and the nerves in my right thigh that have a tendency not to operate correctly were really acting up. Of course my mom blamed it on the weather. Now the real highlight of the evening was our last pool run which occurred right around 9:30. We went down to pool 1 because it is the only pool that stays open until 11. It was really crowded and it seemed to be segregated into Black, Hispanic, and White sections and Stephany, Lauren, Tracy and I were the only white people in the pool. I don't mean to sound racist, but it was really strange how everybody was in their own corner of the pool. Lauren found this silver "R" pendant, and then we saw the most disturbing thing ever. Let me preceed this image with the following information: People were jumping and cannonballing into the pool without regards to the people around them, and pool 1 isn't very big to begin with. The total people capacity is only 27. Anyways, Stephany had gotten out to smoke a cigarette, and Tracy, Lauren, and I were swimming around near the center of the pool, daring to break the color barrier. THEN...out of the corner of my eye I see a rather robust and top-heavy woman, probably around 30 years old, come barrelling towards the pool at full speed and she was wearing skin-toned shorts, so it looked like she was wearing no pants, and her breasts were like watermelons, and her bathing suit was very low cut. ...anyways, so she comes running, and I look because I notice Stephany has this look of horror on her face from the side lines, and as I turn this woman jumps up in the air, does a spread eagle into the pool and her breasts were flying in seventeen different directions and the tidal wave the followed really put the size of them into perspective. And we cannot for the life us figure out what encouraged her to do that...unless it was the fact that she just wanted to show up all the little pre-teens who were doing it first. Either way, it was definitely unexpected, life changing, and entertaining...as Stephany put it, "Like a train wreck...it's horrifying but you just can't look away." Then...her friend decided to do the same thing. We hopped out of the pool and into the hot tub for a few minutes and were debating on getting back in the pool when a large amount of rednecks begin to move towards the pool and larger, scarier, fully clothed adults began doing back flips into the pool... I got that anxiety feeling that I get when there is about to be major violence, so I slipped out to the parking lot and waited for the rest of them to join me. We got back to the villa and finished packing and preparing for our early morning departure. I thought everybody else was going to go to bed too, but they didn't...and so I slept pretty miserably, and was not fun to be around when my mom got me up to leave. Anybody who knows me is fully aware that I must have sleep when I need it. Unfortunately I made the mistake of thinking the backseat would be the most comfortable place to sleep on the ride home. I was wrong. I ended up twisting my spine and laying completely sideways with my upper body on suitcases, hovering above the Element's rubber floor. It's okay though. My mom drove all but two hours of the way...damn GPS got us a little lost though. Took us to a Ferry Port where no Ferry was operating. Luckily, I had my NC map with me, so I was able to navigate us back home. I love my maps.

So now I'm back home, and house sitting until the twelfth or the fifteenth...I can't really remember how long I'm supposed to be here. I guess I'll just stay until they get back home. HOpefully they'll pay me. I didn't really think to work out the details, just agreed to do it. They usually take care of me pretty well. And my roommate was acting weird again today...I wish I knew what she thought about me. She asked about the Henna marks on my hand and gave me a disgusted look. That kind of irritated me much more than it should have, but I've been a little emotional the last two days. I'm still pretty pissed at my dad, but I guess I'll get over that too. Hopefully him and mom will work out their shit. But probably not. I think I'll write a multi-meaning poem about it. That'll make me feel better.

I did unfortunately gain some weight on my vacation, even though I worked out four of the seven days. :( ...but I did eat a lot more than I normally do, and the water there was pretty nasty so I didn't drink enough, so I hit the gym this afternoon in a attempt to make up for that. Hopefully it won't set me back too much. There's still three weeks before the kids return to school even though I go back in like a week.

Unfortunately the log will have to wait til I get home. Vacations almost over anyways and the internet has been disconnected on both computers so all internet activity is ceased until Saturday night. But as a teaser let me just inform all you readers that today involved a ton of dinosaurs! And legos! And dinosaurs made of legos too! It could have been the best day ever. I mean it did include both of the best things in the entire world!

First off. It is very hard live journaling from my cell phone. Second off. We had a great time on the casino cruise today. I was the only one who lost all my money but I won tons of free drinks and saw an 80+ year old couple dance and the man did a pole dance! It was great and very inspiring for my future. I heard a Santana song that made me think. "I'd give my world to lift you up. I'd change my life to better suit your mood." I feel that way sometimes. But I'm slowly learning that we shouldn't have to change our lives to better suit the moods of othErs. So live YOUR life and if the rest of the ones around you don't like it, fuck ,em. Or as my phone likes to day "duck em". Stephany comes in tomorrow. I can't wait. I may add some details to this post when typing is a little easiEr than tons of texting. Time to get the rest of my drink on.

I woke up this morning at 10am on the leather sofa wondering to myself; why am I not am I not in bed with my Mommy. Then, I remembered that I fell asleep beside of Tracy with her head rested ever so gently upon mine after watching an hour of Papau New Guinea Aboriginal Peking Festival Dancing. I'll tell you, the wooden birds on sticks did not compare to the naked men lying in a tight little row while women wrestled them apart. The last man standing won. He made it clear that they have some strong women in the tribe. It was wild
they all had lip piercings of big bone through their lips that they received at age 9. Nobody says you can't have education on vacation! Ha! That rhymed...kind of.

I prepared myself for a day of leisure by putting on my bathing beneath a pair of shorts. I was planning on swimming and tennis playing, along with barbecue eating. I saw my first bathing suit that was made to slip slightly into the crevis of the arse. It had little ripples so it would fall ever so finely into that gentle slit. And if that bathing suit had been any lower, her whole butt would have been showing. She was complaining to her children above that stretch marks that they had left upon her gut. She mustn't have been more than 25 and she probably weighted like...110 pounds; if that. Wet. So we ate barbecue. Did you know they have a mustard based barbecue in Florida? ...and apparently rice pudding is the appropriate dessert to serve with that? The new things we learn. It started to get get a little crowded there so we trekked to the pool closer to our Villa. I used the bathroom and by the time I came to jump in the pool, a little kid had pooped in it and we were all evacuated. We trekked a little farther to swim in pool #5 where I learned ever so much about Tracy's Hot Buttery Brown Sugary Baked Bean Juice atop creamy yellow ocre cubes of Idahoan potatoey deliciousness mixed with delicate pimentos and starchiness...and I sat on her throat where I would have partaken in wonderful lady love, but my feet were to close to her face...such is life. The rain began to pour, and my mother decided to leave el agua fest leaving us lads and ladies to continue in our humorous banter.

In an attempt to borrow board games from the Activities Center; Mike and I began an unexpectedly long journey across the world, and I for some God forsaken reason decided to wear three inch heels...fuckin' retarded..., but eventually we made it and I learned that sweat produces in places I did know now exist on my body...and I think my legs were acting as boyscout stix...waiting to light a local crotch fire. (not in a good way) And come to find out they don't even rent out the board games because stupid guests don't return all the pieces. So disappointing. So we decided to catch Thomas the Train back to the Villa, but the wait continued for an undetermined amount of time, and we gave up and began walking back to the villa. Then! Mike...in a show of amazing chivalery, walked up to the a local golfcart driver with skill and efficiency and asked, "Do you know when the next train will be arriving?" That was code for "Come on, man, you know you want to give us a ride." And apparently the golf cart man spoke Mike Lingo because he said, "Would you guys like a ride." And we were like, "oh yes." and we totally slow motioned high fived each other. So 10,000 points for Mike...whom I originally may be a serial killer.

Once back at the villa, I showered, beautified, and continued painting my paint-by-number, which I finished! Yay for rainbow orcas. Then Tracy and I went to Wal-Mart because we needed to restock the beverages. Once at the Wal-Mart we quickly maneuvered around, and ended up with the same check out guy as yesterday. Tracy took a potty break, and she said that is a nasty shitta. Granted...anything called a shitta...is probably nasty. Then we went back to the liquor store...INSIDE the walmart...and the little Mexican man was not there, so I did not get to offer anyone a ride home, or put a new notch on my bed post...damn. ...still hayve to figure out a way to come up with 350 dollars. Pimpin' apparently ain't easy.

So now, it is 9:36...and my only responsibility this evening is to carry on with last night's tradition and keep the phone away from my mother, who apparently drunk dialed my dad in the middle of the night AFTER I tucked her soundly into bed. I do not want to be responsibile for calling and explaining another phone call in the morning. So to all of you out there in real world. I'm sorry. Wish you were here. ;) ;) ;) Stephany should be coming Wednesday, and tomorrow night is the Casino Cruise. We bought our tickets tonight. I'm gonna win big! ...if I win enough I'm going to Cirque du Soleil. Wish me luck.

I finally fell asleep last night around 3:00 after watching Family Matters; it was the episode where Laura and Steve go to the prom together. Good stuff. I didn't sleep so well though. I was a little worried about my friend Lauren because she lost her ticket to Disney World and was panicking. It's not cool to lose a $250.00 non-replaceable ticket. Luckily,we found out today that her mom found it at her house and will be able to overnight it to her here at the resort.

I went to workout at 7:30; I was so tired that I felt like the elliptical was going to make me vomit all over the floor, but I managed to get through 30 minutes on there; which is 450 calories I can blow on shit later tonight. But when I went to clean off the machine, I lifted the bottle and the top came off and it spilled all over the floor. Great stuff. Luckily there weren't too many people there at 7:30. And then I walked back to the room; took a shower, did my hair and make-up and went back to sleep til around 11:30.

We hit the road and went to Wal-Mart and bought enough groceries to feed and water us for the next three or four days. And I worked on my paint-by-number some. Now, here are some interesting facts for the day. First, in Florida, apparently it is kosher to park randomly outside of the pond at Wal-Mart and wait around to see if you see a crocogator. Then, I saw four people fishing in the same pond! ...at the Wal-mart. And THEN...I noticed there was a liquor store built right into the Wal-mart. I'm probably going to get struck down dead for using the word Wal-Mart in a paragraph this many times, but I'm going for the record. So, while I was in the liquor store in the Wal-Mart, Tracy asks me, "What do you want?" And I reply, "Whatever yells at me to take it home." Then, this little hispanic Wal-Mart liquor store employees mumbles something that I mistake for, "Can I help?" ...but I realized a moment too late, after I replied, "no," that he really said, "Can I yell?" ...why is it that only old guys hit on me? Hehehe...

When we got back to the condo, Lauren and Mike were already back from their day at Universal. Apparently, they don't do amusement parks like my family and I do. But they seemed to have enjoyed their visit. The weather got really bad though. It was raining and thundering and lightning terribly loud, so instead of going swimming like originally planned, I decided to give my mom and Tracy makeovers. I've posted the pictures. It's 5:22 right now, so the drinking has just begun and I'm sure that the night will turn out to be more and more interesting. I'll be sure to keep updating.

Anyways...later, gator. Ha ha. I said gator, and I'm in FLORIDA. ;)

Okay...it is now 10:15 and we have had yet more adventures. First of all, the fire alarm won't stop beeeping. I guess the batteries need to be changed. Second, we decided around 8:30 that we would go swimming and we go to pool #3, and there are six kids in there swimming, and they said, "Sorry...pool is closed; we just jumped over the fence, and we were like "We're not jumping the fence." My mom said, "I'll jump the fence." But I responded, "I'm not calling the ambulance to pick you up off of the cement."

Then we all meandered back to the house where we proceeded to hang out and just not do a whole lot. While tonight was pretty good I was sad I didn't get to do whole lot of fun stuff, so I'm looking forward to bike riding and tennis tomorrow afternoon. And I'm really looking forward to the Casino cruise on Tuesday night. Me and Mama and Tracy are wearing matching dresses right now, frankly, because we are retardedly wonderful. Love it. I'll probably be going to bed super early tonight.

Adios!

Soooo...our trip started out this morning at a bright and shiny 7:00am. ...6:15 if you count me waking up and fixing eggs and toast and don't forget the liver pudding for my fellow passenger. ...but anyways, to make a long drive short, we arrived at our destination, Westgate Villas Resort, right around 6pm where our tour-guide, Marco, drove us in a tiny little golf cart to our Villa! I was quite taken aback by the beauty of this villa. It is similar to our previous villa, however, there seem to be upgrades...maybe it's because I haven't here in seven years. But anyways, we got settled, and Tracy and I went and worked out at the Fitness Center so that I wouldn't feel completely guilty for the road trip snacks I inhaled in order to keep myself awake while driving.

Oh, I almost forgot something really cool! As we were driving along the highway, I noticed in the trees, a large black gargoyle with a chain around it's neck. It looked to be guarding a secret pathway through the woods. Granted, I did not have time nor the adventurosity to stop and investigate the matter, but it was interesting indeed. Random gargoyle in the woods? ...who'da Thunk It?! AND...somewhere near the South Carolina and Georgia border, I got a call from Scott letting me know my dearest daughter, Molly, (the schnoodle) had been hit by a car. Apparently she is okay. But that was not the phone call I wanted to receive while on vacation.

Back to where I was! So finally, close to 9, our other house guests arrived. They had a really rough day apparently, but tomorrow they are Universal Studios bound, so things have to look up for them. I'm planning on enjoying the ammenities here at the Villa, maybe play a little tennis, work out a little, soak up the Floridian sunshine, and hit the Wal-Mart for some groceries so we don't have to spend $50.00 on take-out again. I know it's only the first day, so not that much to report really...but look forward to more updates! Yes. More updates. Including TONS of pictures...hehehehe...I love me some pictures, oh yes I do.

That's all folks!

I want to write....I want to write so much. I want to tell the world all of the feelings that are trapped inside of me. I want to fly off the handle...whatever that means. I want the words to drip from me like an extremely productive harvest of honey that makes lives sweeter. Happiness is in my reach. I will not take any call backs from the future. My life is mine and it is now. Bring it on!


I still believe in forever. I don't even fool myself.

I expect more than I allow myself to acknowledge. Can't have hopes shattered.

I have dreams. Dreams to remember.

I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see. We are all mad here.

There is nothing I cannot be. There is nothing I cannot do. There is nothing I cannot have.

I talked to an old friend last night on-line and on the phone for over two hours. It was all very innocent, but it was kind of nice because even though I know there is nothing there between us of any legitimate value, I felt a boost in my self-esteem, and kind of like a girly-girl with a secret. It was nice to have an opportunity to talk to somebody about how I feel and have them at least pretend to understand and care. I know lots of people care about me and want the best, but its really hard for people to look at my situation from the outside and really understand how I feel. He happened to be feeling similar emotions in his own relationship, and it was good to hear another perspective. I just want to feel pretty and valuable again...and I know if Scott knew what to do to make me feel that way he'd try, but I don't know any specific instructions to give him.

It's been a while since I posted here last. Just to keep everyone up to date, I'm not getting married. I am now convinced that it is the best decision. Now, its up to me to move on with life in a more positive way. Wish me luck.

It's been a long time since I've posted anything here. The image has changed a lot. My image has changed a lot. It is nice to sit back on the sidelines sometimes and reflect on how different you become over a period of years, and it is even more interesting to watch how the ones you were closest to at certain points have changed as well.

Spring Break has finally rolled around. I'm going to try to come up with plans for something fun to do, but little money and even smaller amounts of time make life difficult sometimes.

So I am seriously considering getting married. I realize this is a big step in life. I have never really been so serious about it before, though. Even when I thought I might get married in the past, I never REALLY thought about it. But I am thinking about it now. Hopefully, I'll know for sure in about six months. It would be sweet to do things in the right order for once.

Here's the invite list so far... if you feel like I've missed you, lemme know:
Mom, Dad, Zac, Papa, Maggie, Mikey, Katie, Mike, Bonnie, Teresa, Tim, Shannon, TJ, Sherry, Robin, Katie, Linda, Joe, Eric, Markie, Diane, Tracy, Tara, Mike, Laura, Cathy, Bruce, Kailey, Connor, Christine, Karyn, Meredith, Karen, Nicole, Joey, Josh, John, Susannah, Taryn, Bridget, Angela, Jessica, Steger, C.J., Steve, Angela M., Stacy, Barbara, Tony, Belle, Jo, Amanda, Lindsay, Clyde, Sue, Jo Jo, Amy, Steve, Bridget, Blake, Mr. D., Claude, Autumn, Camille, Jason, Sherry,

That's a beginning...

Dreams are exciting.

There really are no updates right now, except for my mom came to visit me a few days ago and that was really nice. I also got my first real couch and entertainment center, not to mention my first real new vacuum, I'm excited. I almost feel like I live in a real house. yay.

So, I happen to be a little intoxicated, but I have been thinking a lot this evening. Maybe I am a victimizer. Maybe I like playing the victim. Maybe I like being seen as somebody who needs sympathy. that's really a sad thought. Scott thinks I'm angry somewhere and I need to resolve my conflict, but I don't know what my conflict is... that really worries me. Am I angry because of Mike? because of Mama? Because of myself? I don't know... I don't know HOW to know. It's probably some repressed anger from sometime long ago. But I do feel it every now and then.

I like being around pretty people, people who seem interesting to me. That's kind of sad too. I love being seen as a person who is making achievements, and doing things that will make a difference in this world. But when I don't, I want to feel the victim, like it is somebody else's fault that I'm not achieving the things I wat to achieve. i guess that is where I get the idea that I am a procrastinating perfectionist.

I've got to go and help a friend on myspace right now...but I will be back.